Sanders Sides Fanfiction: Guilt
by namelestrash
Summary: Logan noticed that Patton wasn't acting as peppy as usual, but didn't think much of it. Feelings were merely chemical reactions within the body. There was no way this could be a problem, right? Trigger warnings: suicide, death of a major character


_Breathe._  
 _In and out._  
 _In._  
 _And out._

Logan could feel how his breath moved through his body. When he inhaled, the internal pressure shifted upwards; when he exhaled, it eased downwards. With every breath, the logical side felt his weight shift forwards, then backwards.  
He heard laughter in the hall outside his room. Was it directed at him? No- that was merely Virgil, laughing freely at Patton's joke now that he thought no one was listening. Logan took note of the thought, letting it pass at its own pace.  
Bringing his focus back to his breath, Logan tracked the rhythm inside his body. Each breath exactly the same, perfect length.

That part of him that counted every second told the logical side he had been here long enough. It was 3:55- time for him to join the others to brainstorm ideas for tomorrow's video.  
He got up from his chair, checking to make sure that he had his three perfectly sharpened pencils and his notebook. He rose up in Thomas's living room just as the clock struck four.

He almost forgot to check that the wall holding his emotions back was still there. Luckily, it was- stronger now then yesterday.

Logan did his routine check to make sure everyone was present and paying attention.

Virgil and Roman appeared more lively than usual. Thomas was a little less peppy than Logan remembered as the norm, but he assumed it was better that way. None of the usual sunshine that gave him those awful headaches.

Patton looked... blank. Attentive, but not happy in the slightest. Well, at least Logan wouldn't have to sit through any of Patton's useless humor today.

* * *

As Logan returned to his room, he picked his feet up just a tiny bit higher than usual. That was the only sign of emotion he'd let himself show, even from a very successful brainstorming session. They had come up with an unusually large number of ideas- and Patton hadn't made even a single pun or joke.

Not even a single joke.

Logan froze. His breathing quickened and he slowed it down to its usual pace.

"Is something wrong, Microsoft Nerd?" Roman, who was walking next to the logical side, asked.

That was unexpected. The fanciful side almost never paid much attention to anyone else.

"Did you notice Patton acting strangely in any way?" Logan asked. Best to gain as much knowledge as possible before reaching any sort of conclusion.

"Of course not! I was too busy being awesome," the Prince declared with a huge grin.

Logan simply started walking again. He was too busy thinking about Patton to talk. The logical side must not be remembering correctly. Patton _always_ made if he didn't that was no indication of a problem. Morality must have been trying to take Thomas's videos seriously for once.  
Despite Logan's logical thinking, he couldn't help being unsettled by Patton's lack of humor. He couldn't shake the worry even as he sat at his desk and tried to concentrate on his work.

"Over one hundred years ago, Charles Spearman made two monumental discoveries about human intelligence. First, he found that a general factor of intelligence g exists: if a person scored high on one intelligence test, they tended to score high on another intelligence test. Second, _why didn't Patton-_ "  
Logan shook his head irritably. He had never experienced issues such as this before. He could always sort out what he needed to do and focus on one thing at a time; why couldn't he just read this stupid article?

The logical side closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn't understand what was happening to him and that felt weird. Logan was so used to knowing everything, the lack of facts inside his mind was making concentration as difficult to achieve as any of Roman's many fantasies.

 _Think- ponder- deliberate!_

Logan couldn't think. His mind was filled with images of Patton, acting serious for once and not trying to be funny. That was a good thing, right? Now that Morality was taking life as seriously as he should, Thomas could be more productive instead of watching Steven Universe when he could be working.  
Maybe if he went to Patton's room and asked about the lack of jokes, these thoughts would subside.

* * *

As Logan walked down the hall to visit his emotional counterpart, he felt his chest tighten. It was strange, feeling things. He always knew exactly what to do, could always see a clear path to follow- but not this time. It felt… bad- and good at the same time? Somehow. Logan was so distracted by his thoughts that he almost bumped into a wall. He was lucky no one was watching.

Finally stopping outside the fatherly side's room, Logan hesitated.

This was wrong.  
It wasn't logical to hesitate.  
Why couldn't he just make a decision of what to do and stick with it, like usual?

Gathering up his courage the way Roman gathered up his script when he dropped it, Logan was about to knock on the door when he heard a sound coming from the other side of the door.  
High-pitched. Muffled. Uneven. Sobbing?

"Patton?" Logan was unsure if what he was hearing was real- Patton always seemed so happy, even today when he hadn't made any puns.

Silence. Then: "Yeah, Lo?"  
Patton's voice sounded so bright and Patton-y, Logan was sure everything was fine. Still- he should make sure Patton was okay; the fatherly side did have a habit of hiding negative emotions from the others.

"I heard- well, I thought I heard crying, so I, uh…" Logan wished he planned what he was going to say. He really should learn how to improvise.

"Oh, no worries, I was just- um- laughing? At this… cat video," Patton's voice shook, the opposite of the sly tone Deceit used when he was lying.

"Okay then, can I come in? I wanted to talk to you," Logan persisted. He noticed the change in his friend's voice and remembered the brainstorming session earlier that day.

"No don't come in!" Patton's voice was louder than Logan had ever heard it, his words blending together from the sheer terror packed into his line.

After hesitating for a moment, unsure of what to do, Logan decided to leave his emotional counterpart alone, at least for the time being. There was a possibility that Virgil might have better luck with this than Logan. The anxious and emotional sides were, in fact, very close.

* * *

Logan halted outside the anxious aspect's door, adjusting his glasses. He didn't hesitate before knocking, despite the conflict that still lingered inside him. It wasn't logical for him to worry about Patton- yet he was still anxious. He must not be functioning correctly.

The door opened slowly. Virgil peeked outside the room, squinting against the the sudden light flooding into the previously shadowed room.  
"What do you want?"

"I- Could you please come with me to Patton's room? I heard him crying but he- won't tell me what's wrong," Logan stammered, straightening his tie. The anxious facet always seemed to make Logan nervous somehow.

"You noticed the jokes too?" Virgil's eyes narrowed.

"Yes… Well, I noticed that Patton hasn't made any recently," Logan tried to talk like a normal person and failed. Fortunately, the anxious side didn't seem to care or even notice.

"Let's go." Virgil's voice was unusually quiet, firm. Logan could clearly see the panic in his friend's eyes, though the anxious aspect seemed to be trying to hide it.

Virgil slipped out of his door and started sprinting down the hallway towards Patton's room, yelling, "Come _on_! I thought we were going to talk to Patton!"

Logan groaned. He may have been slightly worried, but running indoors was simply out of the question.

* * *

By the time Logan caught up to Virgil, the anxious facet was on his knees, the door to Patton's room open before him.

Logan looked inside.

The usual colors and eccentric items from Thomas's past were in their normal places, but they seemed… off. Darker, bleaker than Logan remembered.

In the center of the room, hanging from the ceiling, there was a rope. That same rope that Thomas used to swing on in his production of Peter Pan.

The rope hung down.

A knot.

A loop.

A neck.

Logan understood why Virgil had collapsed. Despite being pure logic, Logan's knees wanted to buckle, to drop him on the ground, to stop everything and just… give up.

 _No._

Even with every small piece of himself willing Logan to give up, he would not. Even with his friend on the ground by his side, Logan wouldn't stop. Even with Patton hanging there, limp and lifeless, Logan needed to keep moving forward. He had to. He couldn't fall apart- if he did, he could only imagine what it would cost Virgil and Roman- and Thomas.

Think, Logan. Find something- an answer, a question, anything-

A note.

A note- taped to Patton's wrist.

What did it say?

Carefully stepping past Virgil and into the room of memories, Logan gingerly picked up the note and started to read.

Virgil:

Thank you. For being you. This isn't your fault, don't blame yourself.

Roman:

Please be nice to Virgil.

Logan:

I'm sorry I lied to you all those times when you asked me if I was alright.

Thomas:

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. Have a wonderful rest of your life.

A tear fell past the page as Logan finished reading- not his. Virgil's.

Logan waited for the anxious side to speak, not knowing what could be said. Virgil didn't say anything, so the two friends simply stared at the note in a silence only broken by the occasional sniffle or sob.

Logan didn't know whether he should be grateful for the space Virgil was giving him, or if he should be trying to make Anxiety feel better. Logic didn't have much experience in dealing with emotions, so he decided to simply let Virgil lead the conversation.

"Ho- How are we going to tell Thomas and Roman?" Virgil's voice was almost unrecognisable- it felt like a melting snowflake.

Logan, unsure of what to do and too tangled inside to think of something to do, handed the note to his friend and walked away.

He needed- something. A window. Big- like the one in Roman's room.

Dashing through the corridors, slipping around every corner like a mouse fleeing from a great black bear, Logan rushed through Roman's room.

"Wha-" Roman was hastily shoved aside as Logan pushed past him. The fanciful side almost stabbed himself with the eyeliner pencil he was holding. He was about to protest, demand for an explanation, when the logical facet leaped out the window.

* * *

Logan didn't bother shapeshifting into his usual flying form- Pulsatrix perspicillata- until it was almost too late and he was about to stain the ground red. Even in this form, the tears threatening to break past Logan's wall of indifference hurt more than the sting of the wind. This should not be allowed to happen; Logan flew faster than he ever flew before, higher- faster. He kept pushing his wings to carry him with such ferocity that he feared they would shatter and leave him to fall over seven miles to the cold, hard earth.

This wasn't logical.

But- this wasn't a time for logic.

This was a time for finding something to hold on to- in this situation, Logan hoped that the frost now coating his feathers may help him forget about the frost coating his heart. He knew it wouldn't work. Logan would have to stop flying eventually, but… going back, facing the other Sides- telling them how he noticed that Patton was hurt but didn't- didn't care enough to save him felt like a failure. It felt like giving up. It felt like being crushed by a mountain of guilt.

Logan didn't know how to deal with this- the wall that kept his emotions from overwhelming him was broken. It was gone- Logan wanted it back.

Feelings- they mattered. They caused problems.  
They killed his friend.

Logan didn't want this disease flooding through his veins- he wanted to be indifferent again. Cold. Unfeeling.

He didn't want to deal with this problem. He didn't want to feel this pain, didn't want to feel like he might burn from the inside out.

At least, if he burned… If he burned from the inside, the frost coating his wings might stop him from becoming a living firework.

Patton loved fireworks.

He loved everything and everyone- he was so… kind.

It was logical to feel this way.

Logan should feel guilty. Hollow.

He should be grieving.

Because Patton was amazing and wonderful, and now he was gone. Forever, and even after that.

But Patton wouldn't want Logan to be hurting, and he wouldn't want Logan to be hurt.

So… it was fine.

Logan would go back.

Explain what happened and why.

Apologize- and be told he didn't do anything wrong.

Pretend to feel better.

After the remaining Sides had returned to their rooms, Virgil would come see Logan.

They would talk, and figure this all out together.

Because that was the logical thing to do.


End file.
